"we have found the enemy, and he is us"

and my return to the blog. so my whole "i'm gonna blog once a month" thing fell through. but we'll try to keep this up a bit better this time around.

so the book i'm reading for class talks about developing your leadership skills and takes you through different levels of leadership and all the things that go into being a leader etc and the author makes it seem like anyone can be a leader if you put time into developing the necessary skills. but what about the people who lack the motivation or the ability to develop the skills? not everyone can be a leader despite what the author says. whether it's a lack of competence or time or whatever, i don't think that just anyone can become a great leader. if everyone were leaders, where would the followers be? i feel god gives some people the gift of leadership and others are left w/o.

what makes me laugh(out loud sometimes, even at the times that i shouldn't be laughing) are the people who lack the skills/knowledge/ability/whatever to lead but think that they can be leading people in certain situations. there was a time this summer that a coworker of mine(sorry goli, but this still makes me laugh) jumped at the opportunity to lead a sherpa walk, where everyone is blindfolded except the facilitators and the group is told to get from point a to point b. so my friend jumped at the chance to be a leader in this case of the blind leading the blind(literally). he had the knowledge of the camp layout and wanted to assert himself as a leader which as a returning staff member i feel you should during training of the new staff. anyway, once the walk began he led the group from the lodge through the grass and after a while, onto the road. once the group got to the road it began to pinball back and forth from side of the road to the other side and back and forth. their pace had gone from good to a crawl. but from the momentum they had and unwillingness to give up leadership they were unable to return to their good form.

we need to look at our own faults and find those times when we need to become less of a leader and more of a follower. my textbook says that we are able to lead by position only for so long before people stop listening to us and we need to earn our position as a leader. my favorite quote as of late has been "we maintain that 'though we are not perfect, others are worse'. and then comes the mirror." but how do we keep a mirror in front of us reminding us when we are needing to change what we're doing, whether for the good of others or for ourselves? it's something i need to recognize in my own life.

now back to goli. after that session he did a great job of realizing when to step aside when it was needed and grew a ton that summer. i think one of the things that helped him was the people around him, people giving him honest feedback and doing it in a caring fashion. i had one of those this summer, my co-program staffer who gave me the brutally honest facts and i learned so much from her and the others around me. sometimes i would resort to my initial reaction of fighting the criticism but who doesn't resist being told to change in their own ways? i wish that i had this more in my everyday life. i have a few friends that will be the brutally honest voice, but i wish i had this in all my relationships. i wish people would tell me my mistakes as i make them so i can keep growing and fixing my mistakes as they happen.

anyway, thanks to goli for letting me share this story, he knows i love him.

also, i've been in a 90's music sort of mood alot lately, so here's the list
toad the wet sprocket- all i want
dave matthews- crush
goo goo dolls- black balloon
u2- where the streets have no name
cee low green- f you
anberlin- down
josh turner- would you go with me

take what you want from me

this is way too overdue. it's been a while i know, but i figured since i can't sleep i'll put some effort into this.

this summer has been nothing short of awesome. i knew it would be, but living out what great plans God has for me is way better than imagining them. being able to see an impact in the lives of kids is so much more than i could have asked for, and i only get to see these kids for a week and that's it. it makes me wonder what kind of plans there are for me once i get settled into wherever i end up, and who knows where that is.

after seeing some of the kids, especially last week when we had a camp for foster/abused kids, it makes me wonder how much of a difference we really can make in others. if after only a week i can show a kid more love than he's known his whole life then how much more are we able to do when we are in constant contact w/ others? the lifelong friendships we have: how greatly do we impact those friends we've had our whole lives. i know personally that i would be nowhere near the person i am w/ my closest of friends. what about the mentors we have as kids who know us as we grow up? our lasting impacts on each other can be immeasurable if we put the effort into the relationships.

this effort can't be the self-serving, fake and skin deep relationship though. there needs to be a genuine care for the other person as if they were our own family. but can we give this out to people we barely know and give it at all times? are we able to sprint our whole lives in the sense that we are constantly giving all we have to give in a day-in and day-out fashion?



anberlin- impossible
something corporate- she paints me blue

so i'm enjoying my coffee once again. i couldn't have it for a while due to "ulcerative gastritis" or whatever it was called. that sucked. alot. but when i could have it again, boy did it kick me in the pants.

so i'm really excited for this summer. the school year has been wearing me out a ton lately. i need to recharge. i've been killing myself on my next sermon that i'm giving. it's gonna be a good one, but getting it done is such a pain.

chapel the other day was awesome. my buddy brian spoke and he killed it. his sermon over needing urgency in our relationships and not being sucked into the idea that we'll always have more time to get things done. i loved it.

i need to not postpone things, not just school(which i've gotten scary good at) but everything. i finally got around to asking my buddy justin to come to chapel w/ me. i've been trying to get my roommates to come, but all i've given is empty invitations. i haven't really put myself out there in an uncomfortable situation in order to get them there. we've had all the casual talks, them asking general questions about doctrine and general theology and the "why do you believe that?" talks. but i've never actually done the "hey, i really want you to come to church w/ me" or actually sit down and talk to them in a serious way. my sermon that i'm talking is on having a good testimony and being able to share it with others. but even if you have a good testimony it doesn't do any good if you don't share it with others.

brian said it best when he said that "evangelism isn't just winning an argument." we can't just hope that we can argue our way into making people believe in Christ. there is so much more than that. it goes past the victory, and for me it's more about the journey of going through the transition from possible strangers with someone or wherever you are with them and walking through a transformation to a Christian w/ a real belief in Christ.

anyway, i'm not sure how this whole 23 years old thing is gonna go. it doesn't even feel like my birthday. just another day. i guess that's the real sign of getting old. anyway, hopefully the rest of the day will be fun

further seems forever- light up ahead
melee- the war
anberlin- alexithymia
anberlin- dance dance christa paffgen
oh screw it, anything anberlin is good, just go listen to them

on safe ledge

i really like the routines that i've grown into. bluestem bistro(java) for their "black holes" and studying. naps after class before work. working out after work. homework(sometimes) and hanging out w/ the roommates whenever i can. hanging out w/ everyone whenever i can on weekends.

studying is so much easier when you're happy w/ where you are. getting lots done here w/ my black hole of earth & sky, a nice mix of music and knowing spring break is right around the corner.

i spill my coffee every day. it's a fact. my first cup is always around half of what it should be since i perpetually spill it within 8 seconds of sitting down. i am the reason the tables need to be cleaned on a daily basis. and sure enough the same coffee shop girl that works at java sees it and every time she gives me crap. much like my friend brandon, i've achieved a feat: walking into a place and ordering "the usual" and someone knows what i'm talking about. i really like the routines i have started.

i hope to start more good rituals soon. like daily devotions instead of convenient ones. or quiet time to unwind and talk w/ that Jesus guy.

"Futuro" and futures

so i'm sitting here in my room avoiding the homework and papers that i still have to write thinking to myself. i'm been reading the book "praise habit" a lot lately(again) and reading alot of the psalms on my own time as well. my new favorite study song is "futuro" by mae, just a fun but mellow song. combine that with study of the old jewish traditions of oral tradition and you have something that seems like a lot of story telling to the younger generations.

in my interpretation of the bible class we learned about chiasms, a literary device where a passage mirrors itself, with the beginning and the ending matching up and the points finally meet together at the central idea of the passage, like this:
a
b
c
d
c'
b'
a'

anyway, so i was doing my own exegesis over the song "cadence" by anberlin. the main line in the song that i love says
"the closer i come to you, the closer i am to finding God(you're a miracle to me)"
one thing that i distinctly remember my dad telling me when i was in high school was that the more he got to know me and my siblings the closer he felt connected with God, even though he was never a very religious person himself. so from the start when i first heard this song it instantly reminded me of my dad and getting to know each other as i got older.

and as i got older i began to realize just how much i'm like my dad. i remember one day i was walking out the door wearing one of his shirts and i swear when i walked by a mirror it wasn't me but i saw him. then as i talk to my mom she tells me all the things that i do that my dad did, the way i walk, the way i eat, even some of the things my dad did that made her mad i do(just not on purpose i don't think).

when my dad was still alive he started reading this book about an abused boy and his strained relationship with his mother. as i come to find out after he died i learn how much his own relationship with his mother was strained. he underlined and wrote in the margins a ton in this book. i don't remember the name of the book but it just seemed like dad was reading about himself in this book. the book goes on to talk about what the boy would say if he could talk to his kids about his mother and how it strained his faith in God. you get to know who you are by learning about where you came from, or more about yourself by learning about your parents

and so the chiasm comes into place

so my dad said that he got to know god better by knowing his kids
and now his kids are learning more about God by knowing more about him

i'm learning about myself and the more i learn about myself the more i understand what God has in store for me. i had a chat with a friend from work today about how everything happens for a reason, and i thought about how my dad passing away happened for a reason. as hard as it is for me to say it, my dad didn't need to be around anymore. God had better things in store for him. camp season is coming up and maybe God has been pushing me back to camp to help be a good fatherly figure for those who don't have one all the time. God gave me these struggles with losing my dad so that i could eventually mentor for those who have been there too.

learning about my dad taught me about myself. about the kind of father i want to be. and about the kind of man i want to be. i want to be a man who people can come to openly. i want to be someone who others can laugh with and have a good time when they're around me. i want to be dependable. i want to be the father who tries to be there for his kids whenever they need him. i want to give away my daughters at their weddings and give advice to my sons about life and how to be a man.

if i could talk to my unborn son right now i wonder what i would say
"son, know that no matter what happens in this world i will always be there for you. i will always love you, and i will always be your dad. i will do everything in my power to be at every game, show, concert, whatever you do, i want to be there. for you and your siblings. you will always be the top priority for me. i want you to know that i may be upset, disappointed, annoyed or whatever with you, but i will never stop loving you. i want to be there at your graduation. at your first football game, when you bring home your girlfriend, when you graduate high school and college someday. i want you to come to me to play catch in the backyard because when i was your age my favorite thing was playing catch with my dad. i want to be everything your grandpa was to me and more. i will be there to buy your first lottery ticket, take you out for your first beer and when your children are born. i will push you to grow, but i won't push you out of anger. no matter what happens between your mother and i, you will never see us fight. i will not teach you how to fight unless it is for the woman you love and not with the woman you love. when we fight it won't be because i'm mad at you, but because i see the potential you have to be more than what you are. i love you, son"


alan jackson- small town southern man
zach brown band- highway 20 ride
mae- futuro
anberlin- cadence

happiness and prayer habits

so i've always really liked the idea of having some deep and thoughtful blog that tons of people follow and change their lives through it...

well i'm not that deep nor intellectual. i'm simple. i don't have a ton of deep life changing thoughts that people write down and bring up later. and i'm ok with that. i am who i am, and i'm happy with who i am and where i am. i don't need something to show off or someone to tell me that i'm a good person or whatever. i know that i'm not perfect, in fact i'm far from it. i wish that would pray more. i wish i were more faithful in my studies and devotion time. but i know that despite my shortcomings i can be happy with myself.

so after listening to a podcast of my old testament professor i'm wondering why i havne't been better about spending time in devotions or prayer lately. i don't know if it's because i don't think anything will come from it(because i know that God hears everything and acts when and how it's appropriate) or if i'm too busy(which is a lie, i spend more time on facebook than anything) or whatever my excuse is. dr. alterman said something that struck me and i know i need to listen to it a little more attentively than just for class.

"i may not be able to explain how prayer changes the world, but i know that prayer changes me"

i think prayer is indeed a lost art. people don't do it so much anymore. we live in a world of distractions. things are always pulling us away from what we need to be doing or thinking what we need to be thinking. i'm rereading the book "praise habit" by david crowder and he mentions that he read somewhere that if you do something for 21 consecutive days it becomes an involuntary habit by the end of that time. he started that off by picking up some random habit but then talks about how we never make habits out of good things. when we think of the word habit we automatically think of something bad, why don't we ever think of good habits we have? it's sad but we always focus on the negative rather than the positive. if only our culture were a little different and worried about the good thigns that people bring to the table instead of the things that either annoy us or we think is wrong with them. lets try for making some of those good habits why don't we? even those silly things like getting to bed early, putting dishes away, smiling at a stranger when they say hi.


kings of leon: use somebody
stevie wonder: i just called to say i love you(or whatever the name of the song is, you know it)
mewithoutyou: in a sweater poorly knit
damien rice: delicate( i know i repeat alot of these songs, like i said, i'm fairly simple to please)
deathcab for cutie: i will follow you into the dark
goo goo dolls: name
the swell season: low rising
30 seconds to mars: kings and queens

john mayer? really?

so here i am, start of another semester. classes are intimidating, looking like i'm gonna be busy alot. even more so than last semester.

it looks like it's shaping up for a lonely semester. but that's not what i came to manhattan for. i came to finish school and refocus my efforts where they should have been: on school and God. work needs to get put into that secondary role. i let it slip into a primary thing before, and so with that said, i need to make sure that i don't lose track of my priorities.

so i started a workout program w/ a friend. we're hopefully gonna be taking it seriously and not losing track of our goals. i'm happy that i have someone to achieve those goals with. i need that time where i can just zone out and focus on my run or lifting or whatever i happen to be doing. now that i have someone to hold myself accountable hopefully i'll get to doing that more often

but still i'm lonely. all my guy friends can only do so much. not to take away from them at all, but it's still not the same. my best friend advised me that i should just pray about it more often,, which i'll admit i haven't been so good about lately. but now that i'm getting at it more, i'm just frustrated waiting for the results. trusting God is easy to say you do, and easy to do often times, but with certain subjects, you kinda get anxious. i'm glad i'm not letting someone run my life for me, make my decisions as to who i hang out w/ and what i do. but i would enjoy some input on it. i feel like i complain alot about this. i shouldn't, but i do.

so john mayer huh? yea, i never really like him much but his song heartbreak warfare really jumps out at me. the lyrics stick with me.
"disappointment has a name, it's heartbreak"
"I dont care if we dont sleep at all tonight
Lets just fix this whole thing now
I swear to God were gonna get it right
If you lay your weapons down"

stuff like that. it's true, no matter what you're disappointed with, if you really are disappointed with it is heartbreak. some are destined to be disappointed more than others though. i seem to be destined to feel it alot more than others. i wish sometimes people would put their "weapons" away for a bit and just realize what they have going for them. i'm not just talking with me, but i see others who could be so happy but they're spending their time chasing things that don't matter. i would prefer to chase things that DO matter, like school and opportunities to learn about God but i know that i get caught up in trivial things. with that said, i'm going to bed and leaving with the best lyric of the song

"Drop his name, push it in and twist the knife again
Watch my face as I pretend to feel no pain pain pain"



relient k: which to bury, us or the hatchet?
john mayer: heartbreak warfare
john mayer: friends, lovers or nothing
melee: can't hold on
keith urban: standin' right in front of you
lady antebellum: need you now
dustin kensrue: pistol