"Futuro" and futures

so i'm sitting here in my room avoiding the homework and papers that i still have to write thinking to myself. i'm been reading the book "praise habit" a lot lately(again) and reading alot of the psalms on my own time as well. my new favorite study song is "futuro" by mae, just a fun but mellow song. combine that with study of the old jewish traditions of oral tradition and you have something that seems like a lot of story telling to the younger generations.

in my interpretation of the bible class we learned about chiasms, a literary device where a passage mirrors itself, with the beginning and the ending matching up and the points finally meet together at the central idea of the passage, like this:
a
b
c
d
c'
b'
a'

anyway, so i was doing my own exegesis over the song "cadence" by anberlin. the main line in the song that i love says
"the closer i come to you, the closer i am to finding God(you're a miracle to me)"
one thing that i distinctly remember my dad telling me when i was in high school was that the more he got to know me and my siblings the closer he felt connected with God, even though he was never a very religious person himself. so from the start when i first heard this song it instantly reminded me of my dad and getting to know each other as i got older.

and as i got older i began to realize just how much i'm like my dad. i remember one day i was walking out the door wearing one of his shirts and i swear when i walked by a mirror it wasn't me but i saw him. then as i talk to my mom she tells me all the things that i do that my dad did, the way i walk, the way i eat, even some of the things my dad did that made her mad i do(just not on purpose i don't think).

when my dad was still alive he started reading this book about an abused boy and his strained relationship with his mother. as i come to find out after he died i learn how much his own relationship with his mother was strained. he underlined and wrote in the margins a ton in this book. i don't remember the name of the book but it just seemed like dad was reading about himself in this book. the book goes on to talk about what the boy would say if he could talk to his kids about his mother and how it strained his faith in God. you get to know who you are by learning about where you came from, or more about yourself by learning about your parents

and so the chiasm comes into place

so my dad said that he got to know god better by knowing his kids
and now his kids are learning more about God by knowing more about him

i'm learning about myself and the more i learn about myself the more i understand what God has in store for me. i had a chat with a friend from work today about how everything happens for a reason, and i thought about how my dad passing away happened for a reason. as hard as it is for me to say it, my dad didn't need to be around anymore. God had better things in store for him. camp season is coming up and maybe God has been pushing me back to camp to help be a good fatherly figure for those who don't have one all the time. God gave me these struggles with losing my dad so that i could eventually mentor for those who have been there too.

learning about my dad taught me about myself. about the kind of father i want to be. and about the kind of man i want to be. i want to be a man who people can come to openly. i want to be someone who others can laugh with and have a good time when they're around me. i want to be dependable. i want to be the father who tries to be there for his kids whenever they need him. i want to give away my daughters at their weddings and give advice to my sons about life and how to be a man.

if i could talk to my unborn son right now i wonder what i would say
"son, know that no matter what happens in this world i will always be there for you. i will always love you, and i will always be your dad. i will do everything in my power to be at every game, show, concert, whatever you do, i want to be there. for you and your siblings. you will always be the top priority for me. i want you to know that i may be upset, disappointed, annoyed or whatever with you, but i will never stop loving you. i want to be there at your graduation. at your first football game, when you bring home your girlfriend, when you graduate high school and college someday. i want you to come to me to play catch in the backyard because when i was your age my favorite thing was playing catch with my dad. i want to be everything your grandpa was to me and more. i will be there to buy your first lottery ticket, take you out for your first beer and when your children are born. i will push you to grow, but i won't push you out of anger. no matter what happens between your mother and i, you will never see us fight. i will not teach you how to fight unless it is for the woman you love and not with the woman you love. when we fight it won't be because i'm mad at you, but because i see the potential you have to be more than what you are. i love you, son"


alan jackson- small town southern man
zach brown band- highway 20 ride
mae- futuro
anberlin- cadence