slowing down is hard to do

yea, what the title says. i've been going 100 miles an hour for so long. i just got back from my second trip to topeka in 3 days and maybe another one this weekend along w/ studying for finals and getting crap done before it's due....oh man, i'm shot. so i'm sitting here after a very long and eventful drive through crappy kansas winter weather and thinking how incredibly tired i am.

but now i'm ok. i'm so relaxed right now. i'm sitting here half naked in my new massage chair which is amazing, eating left over chinese food from tonight's interview w/ the dce at my church(which she also paid for, which is extra awesome) headphones on listening to sigur ros...i can't think of a better time in general. but man alive does this feel good after the past 4 days. i haven't gone to sleep before 2:30 in 2 weeks or so. work is exhausting but super slow.

i just realized how stupid busy i've been lately. i need a break. i got home at 1230 and all my roommates were all asleep. at the beginning of the semester nobody was asleep by 2. you know it's been a long semester when that's happening.

i like tacky christmas sweaters. especially wearing them to work and watching your boss wonder if he should laugh or fire me. good times

ok, food is gone. totally digging all that instrumental music has to offer but i'm ready for bed. hitting almost 7 hours of sleep is too tempting to pass up.


Svo Hijott- Sigur Ros
Rememberance- God is an Astronaut
Futuro- Mae
Welcome Ghosts- Explosions in the Sky
...Like Starlight Into the Day- Hammock

stephen christian, "advocate" for action

so i just read this little guest blog that stephen christian wrote, and it pretty much was amazing.

http://www.relevantmagazine.com/community/blogs/YOUR-IRON-RUSTS.html

basically it's telling how we need to stop being advocates for things and instead be active in things instead. forget the discussion and chit chat if you will and instead go out and DO something about what you feel you should do. i've always thought that discussion groups were kinda silly since 90% of the time whatever is discussed NEVER comes into fruition so now it's nice to hear a person in the public eye call out such a challenge to people.

the great commission calls us to "go and make," disciples, not just talk about going and doing. the follow through is lost so many times. i've always loved stephen christian's work, not just his music but his book and other writings. this just cements what i've thought for so long: he is more than just a musician, but he is a great role model and public figure in the christian world. he isn't one of the preachy and over-the-top type of figures, but the kind we can all look to, effective and understanding with a message that isn't offensive but for everyone.

new beginnings, new settings, new experiences

so here i am, sitting in my new house(well, i've been here for 2 months now, so not really "new" but whatever), with my new laptop, attending a new school, living in a new town, meeting new friends. even though i moved back to kansas, really i kinda started a whole new life...again. doing this whole "freshman" stage again is weird.

my roommates are some of the coolest guys i know down here. we all are the same basically. we joke the same way, we watch the same movies/tv. i really lucked out when i somehow got hooked up w/ these guys. with all due respect to my previous roommates, this is the best living situation i've ever had.

school is interesting. i knew that i'd go into it w/ a completely different view from everyone else i was in class with about everything, and boy was that true. the professors have been really cool, i'm liking the new spin on things that i've been studying for years now. but just seeing a different emphasis, while sometimes rubs me the wrong way is still something that i know i need to take advantage of.

and finally, my friends. man, i thought i missed them. now that i can see them basically whenever i want it's so nice. i am reminded of how much i can't live w/o my friends. i'm still yet to see andrew now that i'm down here but we're working on that. it kinda makes me miss my minnesota folk, but half the time i'm so busy i don't even remember to text them back. oh well, they know i love them. but gee whiz i am so glad i'm back here in ks.

anyway, here's the song part

anberlin: true faith
blink 182: stockholme syndrome
jack's mannequin: miss delaney
mogwai: golden porsche(AMAZING instrumental stuff)
OAR: shattered
concrete blonde: joey
keane: everybody's changing(i think i already used this but i don't care)

new stages in life, old memories

so i haven't done this in a while. i missed it. anyway...

so i'm getting ready for the big move home in a few days. it's really weird to think about it. i'm really excited for it but i'm really not. i'm nervous and excited and sad but estatic and i don't know what else. i'm so happy to see my friends again from home, but at the same time i don't want to leave all the amazing friends that i've made up in minnesota during my time at school. i just don't know. there are the friendships that i will always have no matter where i live or what i do, they will just be there. it's those friendships that i need to get by. but then there are those friendships that aren't such a sure thing. i know that once i move away from that immediate contact things are going to change. as much as i don't want them to they will. i wish i could take that friendship and bring it with me no matter where i go. these friendships are so volotile but instead of being what i need, it's what i want. in a sense i do need them. something to keep me on my toes and to challenge me because honestly i don't want everything to be easy. but at some point where do i draw the line of what is a challenge and what is too much. i don't know. somewhere in me knows and i wish it would shout out the answer.

anyway, so had some nostalgia the other day. i was going through all my cd's that i never really listen to b/c my cd case is tucked under the back seat of my truck. i found this old mix that my ex from high school made. it just made me laugh for a few reasons. a) i couldn't believe that i liked half of the songs. b) i remember how i thought i was in love and c) remembering all the emotional attachment i had to them. i felt silly listening to it b/c i hadn't listened to many of those songs for a long time. they were just songs now. no special attachment or anything. i wonder if all the songs that i have some attachment too will fade. songs that remind me of people or an event or whatever, will that all just fade too. songs that carve themselves into a memory, do they matter less as time goes? there was a song that i couldn't listen to for over a year b/c it was linked to my dad passing away. now as time has passed i enjoy it again. does this mean that the songs that remind me of my favorite memories will lose their meaning too?

i'm going to miss my friends so much once i leave. i don't want anything to change, just to hit the pause button on everything while i move home. then hopefully bring everyone that i've ever been close with together in one place and i can see whoever i want whenever i want. yea right. as much as i wish i could do that...

paul ellis- the world aint slowing down
billy talent- devil in a midnight mass
jack's mannequin- holiday from real
guster- satelite
keane- bad dream
number one gun- wake me up

songs to dream to

so i just took a nap and was amazed at how perfect copeland is to nap to.  the songs "when paula sparks", "testing the strong ones" and "choose the one who loves you more" are completely amazing.  so after i get up i turn on the tv and house is on which is one of my favorite shows on tv.  anyway, so since the show tries to find songs that fit the mood and whatnot they were playing a song by bird york called "in the deep"...just the best thing ever.  so that inspired me to make this playlist.  

songs to sleep to and dream to

Copeland- when paula sparks

copeland- testing the strong ones

copeland- choose the one who loves you more

angels and airwaves- breathe

bird york- in the deep

mat kearney- bullet

imogen heap- hide and seek

alexi murdoch- orange sky

blue october- chameleon boy

some ramblings

so i know that either way i'm going to get lots of reactions, but either way, this has been bugging me for a while.  we all know that we shouldn't ever talk about religion or politics with people we don't know well.  well i'm breaking one of those today.

so i'm basically waiting for the novelty of having a black president to wear off.  not because i don't think we should have a black president, i think it is a huge step for our country.  but what i don't like about it is that obama's leading credential is that he isn't white.  people just got enamored w/ that and let it run and that's what killed me about the election.  watching espn and a female basketball player said that the best part about going to the final 4 was getting to meet president obama, not actually playing in the final 4.  nobody would have said that if anyone else won the election.  ever since he took office he hasn't done anything but make the U.S. look like morons.  case and point, he bowed down before the leader of another country.  not a respectful bow, but a cowering and shameful bow.  and barely anyone heard about it because the liberal media disregarded it.  people got mad at how much money bush spent on stuff but all obama has done is spend even MORE money but people haven't given a good damn about that.  all that has "changed" is the color of our presidents skin.  again, i believe that it's a huge step even having a black nominee but i also believe you should have better credentials than simply being a minority and a good speaker.  anyway, i'm done with this.  just had to rant and get it over with.

anyway, so i decided what i'm going to do and where i'd get it for when i get my first tattoo/tattoos.  it's kinda a 2 part thing but the fact that i'm even thinking about it is big since i absolutely hate needles.

it'd be this on my right arm.  just the hebrew part

and then on my left arm it would be this

so the meaning behind it is actually an anberlin lyric.  from the song "the unwinding cable car" there is a line that says "this is the correlation of salvation and love" the tattoo leads in towards my heart, because to me, it was jesus' heart that was the go between between his love and our salvation.  i chose hebrew b/c a) i think it's beautiful when written out and b) most of the bible was written in hebrew when it was written.  i'm not sure if i'll have the consonants put in the tattoo but that's whatever.  i know that ruins the written language but unless you have someone that really knows the language nobody is going to be able to tell the difference.  anyway, that's about all i got.

academy is...- about a girl

fall out boy- americas suitehearts

kings of leon- use somebody

anything by burlap to cashmere

the killers- spaceman

anberlin- unwinding cable car

in my long drive home i have time to my thoughts, where the silence sits in the passenger seat. the noise that makes it's home in this cabin takes a backseat to the repose i get now. this is the place where my soul meets my body. where reading the signs points to all things leading to something more significant than what has already been done. my co-pilot and his presence gives the time to see what would normally escape me. and you are my stop loss. the signs become something different. what would have been encouragement becomes burdening. you make the silence scream until it couldn't be any more of a deafening cry. once in the drive my thoughts were in order, they had rhyme and reason. i could see the goal of my hapless days leading from one to the next. my weakness' are apparent, my shortcomings and shown. the space i had was full of the emptyness and surrounded me like a warm blanket. i was somewhere between asleep and awake where the unusual become habit and my mind is free to scamper about it's playground like a child on recess. and you are my stop loss. my thoughts begin to drudge around as if they're dragged down by clothes soaked in the rain. seeing myself happy isn't so real anymore. it escapes me and then taunts me from a distance, just beyond the headlights, always just out of sight and never out of the light. i can't make out what i'm looking at, by this time i don't even know what i'm looking for. i've become lost in the pattern of my days. i can't remember where the road leads to or where i'm going. and at this point the randomness and chaotic thoughts comfort me. it reminds me that i'm free to be and enabled to go. thoughts of what i had always wanted bring memories of the future. memories that i'm yet to form that will one day become deja vu. memories that i will look back on and think 'this is what i was talking about, this is what i want,' and i'll know that it was you in there.

and you are my beloved stop loss.

damien rice- amie
breaking benjamin- forget it
waking ashland- edinger
copeland- grey man
counting crows- miami
mayday parade- you be the anchor that keeps my feet on the ground, i'll be the wings that keeps your heart in the clouds
bright eyes- i'm wide awake, it's morning
new amsterdams- has anyone seen my wings?

my life as a rock opera

i'm in such a weird mood right now.  i don't know what it is.  i'm crazy annoyed but i'm feeling so ambitious.  i just want to shrink back into a corner right now and conquer something.  so this is what i'm shrinking into the corner to conquer: my rock opera.  it's none of my own songs/lyrics/whatever but songs that seem to be perfectly shouting what it's like to be me.  most of it seems to be my personal favorite rock opera since the whole album is about what i seem to be about.

the used: "lunacy fringe"

this song in general seem like something that i am.  i'm just constantly on the verge of blowing up and whatnot.  the chorus was especially like me tonight, i was just annoyed and irritated about random stuff.  people just get mad at me for being myself and tell me to stop being myself.  anyone who knows me knows that i'm a) vocal b) obnoxious and c) emotional(to a certain point)  when people tell me to stop being that it just makes me uncomfortable.  it's not me.  

"do, do you, do you know? do you know how long i've waited?  to look up, from below, just to find someone like you.  and will your love light burn me baby? burn a hole right through my heart? i think i might just trust you maybe, but i'm not sure, i'm not sure i wanna know.  

i'm so far gone now, i've been running on empty. 

i'm so far gone now, do you wanna take me on?"

yea, anyway, i just feel so overlooked sometimes.  and it's just wearing thin on me. with that last thought it makes me think of one of my favorite songs by armor for sleep, "remember to feel real."  this whole song just screams out of everything that i feel so much when people tell me to be different.

"so here's the truth you were right all along.  you were never my friend and i was living a lie, but i won't fall for it next time

you figured me out like a leaf in the wind, i try to find who i am but wind up lost in the end. sometimes it's hard to know what's real and you're not...

just you know i change myself to impress whoever happens to be next to me, but i'm sick of trying so hard.  

waste all your time with me?  i know i'm a mess right now, don't give up on me.

i'd wait it out for you..."

so much of that song just clicks.  i love that song.  i always seem to be the one who is overlooked or people expect me to change to fit in. 

i want someone who accepts me how i am.  it always seems to be something, either i'm not "the right person" or i have crappy timing or something.  just having something go right for once would be great. instead it's more like "somebody else's arms," by armor for sleep

"well it's only love it's not real anyways, it's not real

you're gonna die in somebody else's arms and i have to live with that...

and i'll say 'send me a card when you get to where you think you should be'

are you where you think you should be?

too bad you're missing the boat and i'm gone, call me when you come around.

will you call me when you come around?"

i don't think they will...

there's so much more to it, i just can't get it out right now.  i'm just hitting a block right now.  more to follow later

I don't want to see you go, I never meant to make you want to leave

So really this isn't what i'm thinking myself, but really what i want to hear someone say to me.  it's from copeland in the song "no one really wins" and the song is so so true.  my brain is saying to do one thing and my heart is saying another.  no matter what way i choose i'm in a no win situation.  it sucks.  to put it simply i want to stop holding out for something thats not going to happen, i want to stop being somebody's "option" or "backup plan" and instead be someone's pick.  not just in a relationship/dating sense but just in general.  i don't want to be something that people just assume will always be there.  i want to be given some sort of priority.  since i've moved off campus it's really shown me who my real friends are. the ones who make an effort to see me or even just talk to me and see how life is.  

anyway, i'm done.  this uconn/syracuse game is freaking awesome.  it's in the 5th overtime.  such a good game even though neither team deserves to win at this point.  they've both had so many chances to win and botched it many times.

playlist:

copeland: no one really wins

keane: perfect symmetry

3oh!3: don't trust me

rise against: savior

shawn mcdonald: free

white tie affair: candle(currently my guilty pleasure song)

bobby darin: more(i decided that this is the song i want my first dance with my wife to be)

I need a place to lay my head

so i'm in the middle of trying to find a more permanent place to stay.  i'm living with a friend from church but i just really want a place of my own.  so yea, if any of you guys know someone who needs a roommate or has an extra room i can invade then let me know.  

vamlumtimes day

so i'm sitting here being bored and alone.  i don't enjoy valentines much.  last year wasn't so hot for me, so today isn't so special for me.  today was kinda lame, i worked all day and now i'm sitting around watching tv and doing nothing...alone.  oh well such is life.  it's not that i can't stand being by myself, i don't define myself by who i'm w/ or my relationship status.  i'm happy w/ who i am as a person.  one thing that i do miss is the companionship though.  alot.  i'm such an extrovert i hate being alone for extended amounts of time.  it probably doesn't help that i spend most of my time at work setting up wedding reservations and helping couples pick out stuff for their weddings. oh well. such is life.

so my songs this time around center around the holiday and are ones that i'd probably enjoy more if my situation were different

waking ashland- october skies(one of my favorite sappy songs of all time.  the only wedding planning i'll do is have this played at my wedding)

anberlin- inevitable(i have a huge love/hate emotion about this song)

something corporate- cavanaugh park

mat kearney- bullet(kinda different, but the lyrics are amazing)

melee- built to last

keane- somewhere only we know

in need of a chat

so life is stressful. good, but stressful. i'm really busy w/ work and whatnot. i'm currently a member of the men's wearhouse sales team. i'm enjoying making people look good. i seem to be pretty good at it. the other day one of the sales reps and i sold a guy 1,900 bucks worth of stuff. it was spectacular.

on the other hand, i really miss people. people from school, people from home, people in general. this whole living half an hour from everyone just isn't working. yea i get to see one of my really good friends every day at work but still, just one person isn't cutting it. i miss those people from school who i was just getting to know better and those people who i was starting to need in my daily routine to not go insane. and then i miss my friends from home. i was listening to some taking back sunday and missed my concert times with my best friends from home. and then i just miss my friends from home anyway, they're the greatest folk ever. being a "grown up" isn't as fun as people make it seem.

i'm feeling really anthemic(i don't think that's a word but spell check said it is). songs that you could see live and the band and audience would be screaming the same line over and over at the top of their lungs and just having a sort of koombiya. i want to go to a show really bad. i went to one a few weeks ago, but i want to go again. so here we go

taking back sunday- slow dance on the inside
funeral for a friend- rookie of the year
underoath- it's dangerous business walking out your front door
angels and airwaves- the adventure
brand new- the quiet things no one ever knows
creedence clearwater revival- fortunate son
radiohead- creep
story of the year- until the day i die

songs of the week

so hopefully every so often i'll get around to posting up a few songs that i've been listening too.  alot of the bands will probably be repeats as i listen to bands over and over once i get them in my head.  these songs will mostly be alternative/rock/acoustic in genre also since that's most of what i listen to but there will be a few random songs that come out of nowhere too.  anyway...

the first list goes as follows

the airborne toxic event- somewhere around midnight

kings of leon- sex on fire(probably my favorite song right now)

copeland- grey man

between the trees- story of a boy

the veronicas- untouched(really, this song annoys me for the most part but the strings part is really good so i guess it gets on the list)

matt wertz- the day forever died

anberlin- feel good drag

"When you do things right, people will wonder if you've ever done anything at all"

ok, i know this is a really weird place to find inspiration but i just got done watching an episode of futurama where bender(the robot character) meets God.  the ending of the episode had a conversation between God and bender and them talking about how hard it is to be God.  God tells bender that it's hard finding a balance to what you do, b/c "when you're God, if you do too much people get dependant, if you don't do enough, people lose hope. when you do things right, people will wonder if you've even done anything at all"  this reminds me of the exodus with the israelites complaining about how God doesn't take care of them, and then when He does, they expect more and more.

it makes you think about how you think about God, at least it makes me think.  i know that i have moments where i doubt God and if i really am doing what God wants me to be doing.  i don't claim to have everything figured out and have it all together.  i just try to do the best w/ what i have.

i think this line applies to everything.  at a job it seemed like the more i did the more they wanted me to do and when i didn't do as much they thought that i was just lazy.  when i was doing what i was supposed to do, nothing more yet nothing less i would get asked if i had done my job, which i had.  could it be a no-win situation in life as far as getting credit where credit is due.

anyway, it just blows my mind that something like futurama can spark a thought process like that.  

Six word memoir

One of my favorite musicians/writers/whatever is a guy named stephen christian of anberlin fame.  i first heard of him through anberlin who quickly became one of my favorite bands and has been for a while.  he has a blog that i read quite a bit and he wrote a book called "the orphaned anythings" which i think is AMAZING.  anyway, one of his blog posts was titled "six word memoir" which i really enjoyed.  you should read through that post quick before you continue on w/ my post 

http://modesty.blogspot.com/2008/10/six-word-memoir.html

anyway, i've been trying to figure out what mine would be.  i've sat here watching tv/being lazy and i'm still stumped.  some that have come to mind that didn't really stick are:

still trying to find that thing

entering the uncharted sea of life

done disappointing the self imposed standards

intentionally crossing the line for entertainment

yea, those seemed to sum up what i feel people would say about me.  i like those but none seem to hit the spot.  i know that i'm going to wake up in the middle of the night and it's going to come to me magically but for now i'm just stumped.  

Drawing worship "boundaries"

One topic that has come up a lot in my devotional and "professional" life is this question: where is the line drawn between what is worship and what is not? I have personally come to almost butting heads with others on this topic. The “Worship for Lutherans” class this semester recently discussed this topic and it has had direct implications to my devotional life.

To me, as long as there is Gospel and the activities are directed towards Christ then there is no limit to what can go on. One of the main areas in this topic is the subject of music in worship. I know that at my field work church there is a big discrepancy between the people who agree and disagree with contemporary music’s place in worship, but if the music brings praise and glory to God then what is the difference between a traditional hymn and a hardcore rock song? I feel that there are as many different ways to worship God as there are people in the world. This is why we need to have different types of worship to accommodate different people.

My question though is where does the line need to be drawn that separates worship from just people getting together?

the first few

So these first few entries are actually old blogs that i posted from a year ago in my leadership class.  we were supposed to blog on our thoughts on "christian leadership" and the differences it has from just "leadership"  

this blog was about the emery concert i went to and my experiences and thoughts on that

ok, i know that my first post was about different types of worship, both in music and in form. this post centers around messages that can be in music. this video is of a song that i saw the band perform a few weeks ago. the song is titled "party song" and the band is called emery. 

 

i got a chance to talk to the bassist(Devin) for emery after the show and talk to him about their music. aside from being genuinely cool guys, they were open about their Christian beliefs. i asked Devin if they wrote their music from a Christian point of view towards the world or from a common morality view. his response made me proud to be a fan of his music; he told me that "if we are Christians, then our beliefs as Christians should be our morals and our actions should show that" i thought that this was right on. he understood the importance and responsibility that comes with being a Christian in a visible leadership position. Devin also said that as a musician, he's not in the position like a pastor or youth leader to be that prime Christian example, but he still can play a part of the faith journey by playing that temporary leadership position. he told me that the song i posted was about more than just people acting bad like the lyrics suggest, but it's about how we all fall short of what we were meant to be but instead of wallowing in our sorrow we should admit our faults and strive to become better. i loved how devin was so open to my questions about his music and hopefully i can meet more musicians in the future who share his passion for music and spreading the message of Christ. anyway, my point to this post is this: many times we downplay the role of music because it doesn't have the right sound to it or the person who wrote it doesn't have the credentials of Michael W. Smith or someone like that. but as Devin pointed out, we can have a huge impact on the people we come into contact with in those short times, much like camp or a vbs. i hope that i can take Devin's words and bring them into my ministry that i do.